Creating Precious Memories through Scrapbooking

This was the second layout I did. I had found the great dad paper and wanted to use it for a layout with my DH and Zackery. I chose the contrasting yellow paper because it so closely matched some of the words in the dad paper. I also chose the green ribbon to tie both papers together. I left an open area at the bottom to journal, which I am hoping to get from DH but will likely have to come up with something myself. LOL
I have been trying to do more than just the typical blue boy pages for Zackery. It is so difficult to know what typical boy things he would like. I just have to do what I think he would like and be satisfied with that decision. Hey, if I don't like the page, I can always redo it in a different fashion again in the future.

Dad's are often overlooked when it comes to grieving. They are supposed to be the ones that are strong and stable, the ones we as moms depending on when we are feeling low. But, everyone forgets they need to grieve as well. And we also have to remember them for Father's Day. They are father's too, even if our only child(ren) are no longer with us.
For our first Father's day, I found a frame that held 4 different photos. I took a picture of my DH holding Zackery, a picture of Zackery's footprints, a picture of Zackery's ultrasound and a poem I had found and put them all together in the picture frame. I then took scrapbooking sticker letters and labeled the frame Daddy 'n Me. My husband just loved it and made him cry. Something so simple, meant so much to him.
I have gathered some poems I am going to share that are Father's Day related. Feel free to use them for something for your significant other for Father's Day.




You may contact Andrea at hunterlyn@usadatanet.net.

© May 2002 by Andrea Lobdell. The author of this work has given full permission for its distribution, electronic or otherwise, as long as the entire work is presented in full, the author information from the bottom of the work is retained, and this copyright and permission is retained.



© December 2001 by author. The author of this work has given full permission for its distribution, electronic or otherwise, as long as the entire work is presented in full, the author information from the bottom of the work is retained, and this copyright and permission is retained.



Comments: Just a simple poem written to articulate the pain and loss that I as a father endured as a result of the loss of my first child.


You may reach "Oswego" at fauth1@excite.com for comments.


© July 1999 by "Oswago Bill." The author of this work has given full permission for its distribution, electronic or otherwise, as long as the entire work is presented in full, the author information from the bottom of the work is retained, and this copyright and permission is retained.


from Darrell, miscarried at 16 weeks on June 15, 1962
and Melody, miscarried at 16 weeks on June 23, 1963.
Written by our mommy, Jo Ann Taylor
This June 15, 2000


(c) Jo Ann All Rights Reserved




Anonymous


Gary Unsworth, Nepean SANDS group

Written for "Terri" by her husband,
this poem was posted on
the Internet Group Infanlos.


For My Loving Husband, Andy
I Love You Forever
Melissa

Written for her husband, Andrew
in memory of their son, Kieran Andrew,
2/15/96-2/17/96.

The Coxwells have two living children,
have had three miscarriages
and one neonatal loss(Kieran).

What Makes a Woman a Mother and a Man a Father?

Mother's Day and Father's Day. What do these days mean? Who do they commemorate? Some would answer, "those who have living children who bring them breakfast in bed and honor them with gifts."

What makes a woman a mother and a man a father? Many might respond, "hours of labor for the woman while the man patiently paces the floor to then be rewarded with a screaming bundle of joy that they raise for the next 18 years."

While this answer is not wrong or inaccurate, what about the couple who lovingly conceived a much wanted child then miscarried the baby early in pregnancy, suffered a stillbirth, or lost their baby shortly after birth? Has this man and woman earned the title of "parents?" Should they be acknowledged on these two Sundays? Absolutely! However, most of the time they are not. Bereaved parents often feel very isolated on these holidays and privately wish these days would have never been created. I have noticed that despite all the attention given to the mothers by their living children, there are some sensitive people who do recognize the pain someone may be enduring due to the loss of a parent. However, very little recognition, if any at all, is given to bereaved parents on these days. There are many parents who choose to forget these days all together and some who don't ever bother getting out of bed.

I challenge and encourage you to celebrate these days with pride! Whether you have any living children or not, you are indeed a parent and deserve to be honored. Make these days special and filled with memories of your baby. Talk with one another about the memories of your pregnancy, take flowers to the cemetery, even give your spouse a gift in honor of the life you created. Above all, rejoice for this is the day that the Lord has made!

Rebekah Mitchell



Love, Your Little Angel

Author Unknown


Ken Falk


I love you daddy!
From your angel in heaven above.


Author unknown.

Love, your child

Theresa Cochrane

www.growingfamily.com

Husbands Must Grieve Too
(The death of a baby)

When death visits a family, everyone tells the husband to be strong,
he must find the strength to carry, himself and his wife along.
Some people tend to forget that the husband is grieving too.
He also needs someone to carry him through.

The death is so much harder to take when it is a wee one,
it is like an arrow in your heart and you brain has come undone.
You feel that you need to put on a brave face to support your wife,
but how can do this, when death has taken your sons life.

If you feel like crying, please do not feel any shame,
any man who has lost a family member would do the same.
The baby was part of your life for a while and then he was taken,
and this has left the both of you very shaken.

Do not bottle up your feelings because this will cause you more pain.
You must let it out or it will drive you insane.
Grieving is a process and it has to run its' course,
even if you are screaming and crying yourself hoarse.

Be there for each other both wife and man,
and talk over your feelings the best way you can.
Cry in each others arms until the pain starts to ease,
and remember you baby boy at times like these.

Jim William McVean

27.01.04


Lost and Alone
(Help)

Lost and alone,
is there any point in going on.
Life was far to cruel, it has cut us too deep,
we even dream about you in our sleep.

A baby so small, he had not seen the light,
Me and your Mummy still cry silently in the night.
We wish we had just been able to see your wee face,
in your wee cot all decked out with bonny blue lace.

Snatched away before you drew your first breath,
now you lie buried in the deep dark comforting earth.
We are lost and alone so much so we cannot say,
our minds are full of questions but no answers come our way.

We need to grieve so much but we cannot let you go,
hours are like days and days pass so slow.
No minutes of peace, now you are not here,
no minutes of peace for me and my wife so dear.

Help us to cry if crying will help us,
Help us to see if seeing will help us,
Help us to understand if understanding will help us,
Help us to cope if coping will help us.

Jim William McVean

27.01.04


Joy Turns to Sadness
(at last reunited)

Joy turned to sadness the day we said our last good-bye,
but you will be with us in our hearts until the day we die.
Run to us, with you arms open so far and wide,
and jump on Daddys' shoulders and he will give you a shoulder ride.

So many things we wanted to do with you,
take a trip into the city and maybe even visit the zoo.
Teaching you to all the things that you would need know,
where it is not safe and where it is safe to go.

But you were called away so early, you never had a chance,
to laugh at Mum and Dad, as they tried to show you how to dance.
All these things and more are safely tucked away,
and when we are in heaven, we will teach you anyway.

Until then my son, we will continue to grieve,
and wondering to ourselves, why did you have to leave.
Look down on us my son, as we shed our saddest tears,
because where you are now, there are no tears or fears.

Rest peacefully in his arms, our bonny baby boy,
and maybe in Heaven we will catch up on all our joy.

It will be a time of rejoicing and of crying many tears of joy,
when we are at last reunited with our bonny baby boy.

Jim William McVean

27.01.04


Death is not an Option
(Nor is it a choice)

Death is not an option, it comes to us all,
whether you are seven foot or you are very small.
If you had the chance would you even choose at all
death is not polite, he does not knock on the wall.

The hardest death to take is when it is a babe,
if it had to be a decision, it would be the hardest made.
I for one could not, I would not make the grade,
but who would want to, when all is done and said.

It is always left to fate, to do the choosing in our place,
I would not want his job, nor I would enter the race.
If it was up to me, I would die in your stead,
so that you can lie cosy and warm, in your bed.

I am afraid that is not a choice and it certainly is not an option,
and no amount of money can buy you protection.
Once he has your number and he has left his calling card,
he takes your hand gently so that your passing is not so hard.

He passes so quietly, his heart going out to all who grieve,
it takes him all his time, to take the dead and leave.
Have your time of grieving, it is different for us all,
when the pain is too much to bear, ask Him not to let you fall.

Jim William McVean

27.01.04


Suffer The Little Children
(WHY)

Suffer the little children and come unto me,
this is what the Bible says, so it must be.
But why do they have to suffer, for they have done no wrong,
let them stay with their parents where they all belong.

Some are taken quietly in the middle of the night,
some of them from the many injuries that they received in a fight.
Some do not even, get a chance at all to be born,
late in its' mother pregnancy, from her womb is torn.

Leaving grieving parents wondering why and how,
why you left it so late and why now.
Now a void has appeared in their loving life,
who consoles the husband as he consoles his wife.

So suffer not the little children because they see enough pain,
let them be happy and not to feel disdain.
Let no bad come of them, while they are in your care,
because you will have to answer for all when you too get there.

Therefore be happy little children in all your childhood things,
and listen to your parents and to the songs your mother sings.
Parents this is for you listen to your child and watch over them too.
And maybe in the end, they will do the same thing for you.

Jim William McVean

30.01.04

I know that Mother's day was last weekend but I thought I would post this anyhow. I want those that are without their children are still moms!

"What makes a Mother"

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say; A mother has a baby, this we know is true But God can you be a mother when you're baby is not with you?

Yes, yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear "I wish I could show you what your child is doing today and if you could see your child smile with other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom

Who had so much love for me, I learned my lessons very quickly My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm still here...

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home and This is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me until your lessons are through And on the day that you come Home they'll be at the gates for you So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start Though some on Earth may not realize until their time is done Remember all the love you have and know that you are a Special mom.

I don't remember much from my first Mother's day after losing Zackery since it was only a week afterwards. Bless my mom for acknowledging me as a mom even though Zackery wasn't with me.

This was the gift she gave me that first horrible Mother's day. I am going to be sure to include it in one of my layouts in the future.

My mom still acknowledges Zackery any chance she gets. I will little things in the mail from her that reminds her of him. Have I mentioned I love my mom? :)

This was technically my third layout but felt it was very appropriate for Mother's day. I am still needing to do journaling.

My friends and I have been getting together on a semi regular basis now to scrapbook. It helps me to get out of the house and gives me an excuse to actually work on my albums. I am so pleased with the way my scrapbooking skills are growing and changing. I only started my first layout not even a year ago even though I have been gathering supplies for years. Heck, I was not even interested in scrapbooking until I lost Zackery. And then, that is when I started to collect supplies and tools.
I was frightened to get started on my own but felt uncomfortable going to crops with others that would be scrapping happy moments in their lives. I wanted a space where I would be comfortable with others seeing his pictures, where they would be ok if I ended up crying.
I was attending a local pregnancy / infant loss group one night and it was announced a new scrapbooking group was being started just for our kind of losses. I was ecstatic! Finally a place where I could actually go and be comfortable with everything.
After several months, and meeting several great angel moms, the group was on hiatus for the summer. When the startup date loomed in the near futur, I started to post the information for the group everywhere I could think of. I was sure there would be others that were interested. Unfortunately, 3 months later and myself the only one attending, the group was canceled. I was heartbroken but was not discouraged. I know there are others out there in my area that are wanting to scrapbook about their loss, I just have to find them.
For Zackery's first page, I knew I wanted to use his actual footprints somehow. And what a better way to highlight his footprints than make them the center image on vellum over the poem:

Little Footprints

How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footprints have left
Upon my heart

-D. Ferguson
The right image is one of the pictures of Zackery's little feet showing his super long toes. The left says:
Date: May 3, 2003
Time: 4:44 pm
Weight: 7 lbs 10 oz.
Length: 20.5"

And while I am not 100% happy with the page, it was my springboard to start into scrapbooking. Its not such a scary venture anymore!

Labels: footprints, pregnancy loss, scrapbooking, stillbirth

I wasn't too sure if I was even going to start this or not but with a meeting I attended on Wednesday, it only got my mind thinking of starting a blog about how to scrapbook a pregnancy loss / infant loss.

A subject that is so taboo to begin with that people don't talk about it let alone think about scrapbooking about it.

Scrapbooking is supposed to be about happy events in our lives.

Not always so.

We scrapbook about those we have had in our lives and have passed at an old age.
We scrapbook about those that have made some kind of impact in our lives but are no longer with us or are still with us.
We scrapbook about those that we celebrate with every year for their birthdays.
We scrapbook about life changing events. Babies, new house, new puppy, marriage.....

Why can't we scrapbook about a baby that was so loved, it impacted our lives right from the beginning?
No matter when you lost the baby, there are ways to scrapbook that precious little life. There are many ways to capture that precious life in a layout. You do not need pictures. You do not need talent. All you need is time and a willingness to try. Before I get into the scrapbooking part too much, I need to give my reasons for wanting to scrapbook about pregnancy / infant loss.

At the beginning of August 2002, my husband and I decided we would start on our trying to conceive path and I stopped taking birth control. We left on vacation to visit family, and to have a small vacation away from family on our own. Little did we know that when we returned home, we had an exciting souvenir with us.

Upon returning to work, the girls there were quick to note how I was feeling and promptly bought me a pregnancy test. I took it the next morning and it was almost immediately positive. We were ecstatic and surprised at how quickly it happened.

The pregnancy progressed along normally. In December, we found out we were going to be having a son. While at first I was a little bit disappointed, (what woman doesn’t want a daughter!) the thought of having a son really grew on me.

In February, I ended up with edema but was told it was nothing more and everything else looked good. I continued to go to work and move along in my pregnancy as normal.

In April with just 2 weeks left to go, my OB pulled me from work due to a rise in my blood pressure. I was put on modified bed rest. Labour classes were winding down and it was during my last breastfeeding class that I noticed Zackery was really active. We didn’t think anything of it since we had had Subway for dinner and he had seemed to really like the sub sauce. The following day was my 39 week appointment. My blood pressure was still a bit high but they were still not concerned. When they were not able to find the heartbeat, I definitely got concerned but the OB told us it was likely just their equipment. They sent us to the hospital to have me checked out anyhow just to be sure.

After waiting for some time in the waiting room, I was taken into the exam room and hooked up to the monitor. They still seemed unable to find his heartbeat and could only ever find mine. The nurses kept telling me that it was likely he was in a funny position and they just weren’t able to pick it up. They checked me out asking about all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia (or at least I know that now) of which the only one I had was the spike in my blood pressure. Two ultrasounds later, the on-call OB had the unfortunate task of telling us that Zackery no longer had a heartbeat. I remember wailing, thinking it just wasn’t possible. The nurses suggested that I had him vaginally and that I hold him once he was born. I remember thinking how there was no way I was going to do either of them. I just couldn’t. Now, I am so glad they suggested that to me.

They gave us the option of staying and waiting for a bed or going home for a bit. We opted to go home to let everyone know what had happened. We called everyone which included my parents which live 3000 kms away from us. They would be leaving in the morning to drive to us. We ended up going back into the hospital later that evening and were promptly taken to a room. My mother-in-law was on her way into the city. While this technically was not her first grandchild, he was the first one to live close by. She had been just as excited as we were on the pending arrival only to find out he was gone. She wanted to be there for us for support. I can only imagine how she was feeling since she had lost her dad only 2 weeks prior.

My water was broke at 9:30 pm. At midnight, we talked with a social worker about everything that was going to happen and what our options were going to be. We talked to her for quite some time before we decided to try get some sleep. I was given a mild sedative to help me out.

At 3 am, I had started to feel contractions and at that point, I was just so exhausted with everything that I opted to get an epidural. I remember shaking as the epidural was being put in and how painful it actually was. I was able to lightly sleep after the epidural was in. I was given control over how much of the pain I wanted to feel. In the morning, I had a catheter put in as I had no feeling from my waist down. I had a bit of toast and juice for breakfast and I only remember that because I ended up throwing up because of the epidural.

I don’t recall what we did for most of the day. I do remember getting a phone call from one of the girls at work and talking to her about everything. I remember getting flowers from work and I remember my husband calling our friends to let them know we needed them to stop by our house to feed our cats. I don’t know how else we spent our day.

At 3:30 pm, I was checked and I was found to be very close. I could feel no contractions. At 4 pm, my body was ready for me to push. My epidural was so strong, the nurses had to tell me when to push by feeling my stomach. I was exhausted. They were having trouble getting Zackery out. The nurses ended up standing on stools and pushing on my stomach to try and get Zackery to come out. They were having problems getting his shoulders out. The OB gave us the option of forcepts and a small episiotimy to help him come out.

At 4:44 pm, May 3, 2003, Zackery Austin Kirk was born an angel at 7 lbs 10 oz at 39 weeks 1 day. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and a little tufts of red hair on his head. Upon delivery of the placenta, they noticed a very small infarction on it with no explanation as to why I had it. I was stitched back up with a couple of stitches and the epidural was stopped.

They cleaned up Zackery and clothed him, took pictures of him and then gave him to us so we could spend time with him.

We had a couple of friends stop by to see how we were doing. They were able to meet Zackery. As I was lying there waiting for the epidural to completely wear off, I noticed a gushing, especially when I coughed. I asked my nurse if that was normal and she had told me that it can be normal.
I got into the shower and noticed I had large clots to the point where I was almost fainting. The nurse put me back on the bed and had the doctor come back in so that he could see why I was bleeding so much.

It turns out that when they were trying to get Zackery out with the forceps, they had inadvertently clipped a small artery. I was bleeding everywhere and that little artery was giving the doctors a heck of a time closing it off and I in pain from the poking they had to do and no drugs in me. Poor Adam thought he was going to lose me to the point where he ended up falling asleep on the couch after having a sedative.

I was now finally able to spend some time with my son but I was not able to hold him anymore. I could not sit up for fear of passing out again and I had a fever. The pictures we have of me with Zackery, I am lying down with a cloth over my forehead. I now have so many regrets from that day. Why didn’t I insist that I bathe him? Why didn’t I take off his clothes and look at “all” of him? Why didn’t I spend more time with him? Why didn’t we take more pictures of him? I know that no matter how much we did do, it would never be enough.

6 months after losing Zackery, the autopsy results found nothing wrong with Zackery. Reason for our loss was labeled as unknown. Ironically, after finding out the results, we got pregnant with our daughter Natalia. It was as if my body was waiting for the results. Natalia was born 15 months after losing Zackery. She is now 3.5 years old. We also have another daughter Anya that is 19.5 months old. The hardest thing about the subsequent pregnancies was the anxiety that I might lose those pregnancies as well. But, I am a survivor. And our children will know their older brother. His urn sits where everyone call see it as do his pictures. I have 3 beautiful children, one that was just too perfect to stay here with us.

This will be my way of remembering my son, introducing him and the love I have for scrapbooking to others that may not think they can or should scrapbook their loss.

Labels: infant loss, pregnancy loss, scrapbooking, stillbirth